I lost a gold earring today.
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Or rather, I\u2019d lost it a while ago and only today, after searching everywhere it could possibly be, I resigned myself to admitting it was gone.
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The loss is devastating.
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Not just because it was a hundred and twenty-five or so USD of 24k gold.
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Not just because I\u2019d lost it while brain fogged and there\u2019s a niggling rage-filled self query of \u201cdoes this mean brain-fogged people just don\u2019t deserve to have nice things?\u201d.
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But because I\u2019d bought the earrings for myself when I\u2019d moved back to Taiwan.
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24k gold not just because I have sensitive ears that tend to react badly to other metals, but because there is a symbolism there.
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I wanted a pair of golden rings because the last time I\u2019d believed someone was sincere in promising me love, faith, and forever, they\u2019d lied.
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Not only did he lie, but he tore apart his lies in such a humiliating fashion.
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I wanted to say \u201cin the most humiliating fashion possible\u201d, but no, to be fair, waiting fruitlessly at the courthouse or altar would\u2019ve been much worse.
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So it\u2019s near a decade back.
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The nameless chronic illness was getting worse, the medical bills costing the earth but saying nothing useful, and I was staring down disability even as I tried to stay sunk in denial.
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I was living with C in a rented room with two other housemates and I was completely afogged as to the path ahead.
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Or even if there was one.
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You see, C had been reassuring me for years that he loved me, that he was sincere in promising marriage and forever.
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But, oddly, he never managed to make it out to Framingham to meet my parents in person and ask for my hand in marriage.
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At first he claimed scheduling conflicts. For years he claimed this.
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And because I believed his professions of love, I let the red flags pile up.
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Then, when I really couldn\u2019t lie to myself anymore, I pointed out that emails and phones existed and he could contact my parents that way.
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Then it was \u201cthis is the sort of thing done in person\u201d and then when \u201cin person\u201d kept not happening, he started complaining about how \u201casking permission to marry\u201d was so outdated and ridiculously pandering to the patriarchy.
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I said I didn\u2019t much care what the terms were, but if he was sincere in getting married, then he ought to at least inform my parents that plans were actively being made for it to be A Thing.
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Things dragged on and dragged on and dragged on.
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At that point, I didn\u2019t have enough spoons to really deal with all of it.
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I was staring down disability and the collapse of the life I wanted and thought would be there for me.
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Mostly alone. Because ableism. And because I knew deep down that I wouldn\u2019t find the support I needed from the person who claimed to love me best.
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The final straw came when one night, when I was sick and running a fever, he decided he was going to go to the birthday party of someone I thought we weren\u2019t on friendly terms with rather than coming home.
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I never claim to be anything less dense than osmium, but there was absolutely no ignoring that statement.
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So the next chance I got, I met him after work and pulled him into a ring shop.
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Where upon he decided the course of action was to sneer at the shop assistant, who, poor man, thought we were a happy couple looking for engagement rings.
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After being unforgivably rude to the shop assistant, he proceeded to berate me, right in the ring store, about buying into patriarchal artifacts, and how he was oh-so-disappointed in my lack of modern sense.
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\u2026
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Well, that showed me.
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That showed me well and good.
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Last clump of dirt firmly on the grave of my hopes and desired future, I started making plans to move to Taiwan.
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There was no way I could afford to stay in the US between my inability to work a \u201cnormal\u201d job and the mounting medical bills.
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C claimed he was happy to support me because I\u2019d supported him (for years), but that lie was completely laughable after what he\u2019d done.
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It didn\u2019t matter that I hadn\u2019t lived in Taiwan pretty much ever except for two brief years in elementary school.
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It didn\u2019t matter that my entire life was in the US.
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It didn\u2019t matter that I pretty much didn\u2019t know anyone in Taiwan except my parents.
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I couldn\u2019t survive there, not anymore.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I had to leave behind my entire social circle, almost all of my belongings, all of the things I\u2019d hopefully and loving collected for a future now shattered.
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The future I thought I was moving towards wasn\u2019t the only thing shattered.
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Ground to dust along with all the other illusions was faith and trust.
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I didn\u2019t trust myself to know people anymore. I\u2019d placed my love and trust in so many people who turned out to be unworthy, who found me worthless without my realizing it in more than a decade.
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I didn\u2019t believe in promises any longer. Pale words, all of it, and no way to known what was credible and what wasn\u2019t.
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I didn\u2019t believe in my own worth, because I\u2019d had most of my social circle ditch me the moment I wasn\u2019t there to be \u201cuseful\u201d.
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I thought I couldn\u2019t see a way through to a future I wanted before, but then\u2026
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Then, I couldn\u2019t see a future at all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
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So the first thing I did when I recovered a bit was to buy myself that pair of gold earrings.
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A pair of gold rings, from me to myself.
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Because even though it was a horribly extravagant purchase for someone with no income and no prospects of one, I wanted to tell that terribly humiliated young woman standing in the ring shop, being told that her promise of marriage wasn\u2019t worth a few hundred dollars\u2026
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I think you\u2019re worth it.
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I think you\u2019re worth everything, even if I can\u2019t afford to give you everything.
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Here, however, are two rings of pure gold.
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With this ring, I thee promise.
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Protection and love.
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Hope and faith.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
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And now I\u2019ve lost that bit of symbolism.
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I\u2019m not sure where to go from here.
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Once again I\u2019m adrift, lost as to where to go next.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
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I can\u2019t afford another pair.
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Even if I could, I shouldn\u2019t.
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Gold prices are up and it would be a lot of money for \u2026what?
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I\u2019d done the symbolism once before already, even if I didn\u2019t fully believe it then, judging from the grief I\u2019m sunk in now.
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But a part of me doesn\u2019t want to say no to that want.
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Even if it\u2019s unreasonable I still haven\u2019t healed from that (admittedly volcanic) rejection, years and years ago.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
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Perhaps I will, for my birthday next year.
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Perhaps I won\u2019t.
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Perhaps the gift I\u2019ll be able to give myself instead, will be a final release of that old betrayal.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I lost a gold earring today. Or rather, I\u2019d lost it a while ago and only today, after searching everywhere it could possibly be, I resigned myself to admitting it was gone. The loss is devastating. Not just because it was a hundred and twenty-five or so USD of 24k gold. Not just because I\u2019d… Continue reading