I am holding on.
But I am holding on, because there is no alternative I can accept.
I’ve been re-editing Phoenix Chosen in recent days, and I’m at the chapters where Seth and Aedrian are incredulous and upset over her decision to stay and see the tiānzé through.
As an American citizen, 2020 feels like the same call to action, except with much less certainty and none of the “glory” or recognition from the powers that be.
Twitter was my lifeline after leaving the US, when I had lost all but two of my friends, seen the end of my relationship of 11 years, and was resigning myself to the “new reality” of being chronically ill and living with my parents.
In recent days, however, I can’t open the app without having a panic attack because — incredibly, devastatingly, unfathomably, the US continues to double down on its evil.
Black Lives Matter.
I don’t know why this is controversial.
I don’t know why we cannot abolish or at the very least defund and reform a force that is no longer even pretending to be about law, order, service, and protection.
I don’t know why a whole nation, purportedly one of the greatest in the world, is being held hostage to evil and people have to brace themselves for yet another police killing every single day.
I don’t know how the US can pretend to stand for democracy when the state of the union in 2020 seems to be about protecting the privileged few rather than serving the many.
We won’t discuss the entire incomprehensible fail re: covid19.
I feel incredibly small and powerless in the face of such evil.
It’s been difficult to function with all of this going on, on top of my own difficulties, but then, it seems like it’s the correct season to be editing Phoenix Chosen and Awoken.
I can only do the best I can.
I can only hold on, because falling into the quiet dark isn’t an option.
I can only serve love with what I have.
Lil bro has been struggling lately too and I was reminded of the litany against fear:
“I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.”
– Frank Herbert, originally from Dune.
Which, while we’re discussing this, I will die happy if I can write something that will be so widely known and quoted outside of my books.
I think I might have read Dune, or started it, but my awareness of this litany is completely separate from that experience. Or non-experience, since I can’t remember having read the book.
I am afraid. But life still must be lived. And what needs done still needs doing.
I will likely be using Twitter even less than before, and although the need saddens me, I can’t afford to be sunk in despair.
If my only power is through doing, then I must do.
I realized yesterday I have three stories in edits, and that was…somewhat daunting.
Onward, beloveds. I do hope all of you are doing all right.