The screen flickers and the stereotypical interview setup appears.
Hermes smiles at the camera. “Good morning everyone! Today the ever elusive Death and his wife Amarantha have agreed to an interview to celebrate the release of Goddess in Waiting, the tell-all of how Death saved the world.”
Carmen glares at Hermes. “And you wonder why Persephone didn’t want to marry you. Wow, you’re a dick.”
“Shush,” Hermes says out of the side of his mouth.
“I know you want to piss Thanatos off so you can finally figure out who has, ahem, who is the bigger dick, but do you really want to come across a chauvinist pig on your first interview this millenium? You know that Amarantha did most of the work.”
Hermes gives up trying to pretend his co-host isn’t dragging him in front of the camera and possibly millions of viewers.
“Look, Carmen, I know you’re pissed that we never got anywhere beyond that one night stand, but try to be a little more professional, okay? We’re on camera, in front of a lot of beings, both in this universe and others.”
Narrator: There was only the camera.
Carmen rolls her eyes. “If you’re imagining something like millions of hits, please just get over yourself. The only reason why you’re even a god right now is because of that clothing brand they had the poor taste to name after you. Stars only know why because you’ve never been able to do anything useful with yourself.”
The trickster god widens his eyes and lays a hand on his chest, his expression wounded, eyes wide pools of hurt. “Excuse you.”
“Excuse you. Personally, I want to get through this interview without seeing either your cock or Death’s. Please, try to contain yourself.”
Hermes coughs. “As I remember, you liked my cock.”
“Yeah, I did, just a little, but my goal was Evander, remember?”
His face reddens. “I still can’t believe you turned him against me, Carmenta. My son, and he won’t even talk to me.”.
She rolls her eyes again. “No, you did that all by yourself by being your usual irritating self. Now, can we get on with this?”
“Fine,” she returns coolly.
“Let us welcome Death and Amnesia to the show. Round of applause for the saviors of the world, everyone.”
Carmen props her elbow on the armchair and drops her face into her palm. Why had she agreed to this? Oh yeah, Gaia’s request. Fates take it.
Thanatos and Amarantha walk into the center of the room and they sit on the couch opposite Hermes and Carmen.
Hermes pulls out his tablet and glances at it. “So let’s get right down to the fun stuff, shall we? After all, everyone knows who and what you are after that wonderful little stunt you pulled. Manifesting in front of the White House and Buckingham Palace and Zhongnanhai and the like to issue a statement? Fantastic. I couldn’t have done it better myself.”
“Right. Amarantha. How does it feel to be a goddess? How does it affect how you see death? What does it feel like to cause it, knowing what you do?”
“Fates above, I’m not part of this,” Carmen says, her face squinching up in pain.
Amarantha stares at Hermes with some fascination. “Do you mean Death with a capital D, the god I’m married to, or do you mean it with a small d?”
“Oh no you didn’t,” Carmen mutters.
“A small d? Amarantha, are you admitting to Death’s failings in the bedroom? Is there a reason they call it a little death in French?”
Thanatos crosses his arms, giving Hermes a death glare.
Narrator: Apologies. The pun had to be made.
“Thanatos, you’ve read the story, right? Gaia sent copies to everyone, so I’m guessing she gave you at least a hundred. What was your favorite part of the book?” Carmen asks with some desperation.
“The part where I got to make love to my wife after some couple thousand years apart, obviously. The rest of reliving how Amarantha was trying to save the world and all and it didn’t bring back the best of memories.”
Carmen exchanges a look with Amarantha and shrugs, as if to say I tried.
“Amarantha, you still haven’t answered the last ques —”
Carmen smacks Hermes across the back of his head and hisses in his ear, “Look, if you ever want me to do this with you again, you need to stop right now or I will stomp on your balls until you can taste them. You hear me?”
“I’ll help you,” Amarantha says.
“Okay, okay,” Hermes mutters, swiping a finger on his tablet. “Next question: what is your relationship to god, both of you?”
Carmen’s head drops back and she makes a guttural sound of pain.
“Which one?” Thanatos asks dryly. “Because if you’re asking about our relationship to you, I’d have to third the urge to curb stomp your nuts.”
“Do you mean Alex? I love him and all, but he does have a bit of that split personality thing going on. And all that drinking. It can’t be good for him,” Amarantha interjects.
Hermes keeps swiping. “Background. Place of birth. Parents. Siblings. Current address and phone number. Overall outlook on life. Boring. Boring. Boring. Boringer. Boringest. How about we go back to talking about Death and sex?”
“Oh look at the time. Our hour’s up. Thank you so much for coming today, Amarantha, Thanatos, and thank you so much for your service. I hope to catch up with you later. Bye now.”
Carmen snaps her fingers at the camera and the screen goes dark. Credits start rolling across the bottom:
If you want to learn all about how the Goddess of memory and amnesia and Death saved the world from being reset back to the Stone Age and being Devoured by the big D, pick up Goddess in Waiting on the 18th of January here!