Welp…that was fast

*looks around sheepishly*

Well…it’s near the end of October, and nothing much has happened since the last time I came up for air. I genuinely have no idea what happened or how or…

Yes, Goddess in Waiting edits are going. No, they’re not done. I’m sorry they’re not done, but I think having a c’est la vie attitude is the only way to get past whatever is plaguing me without wanting to jump off the nearest bridge out of self-loathing.

No, it’s not that bad. It’s just pretty bad. I do feel terrible and I think this is why authors stop updating about all the ten million and one reasons why they’re not writing anymore and why there hasn’t been new releases because honestly there just hits a point where you feel like you’re just whining out excuse after excuse day after day and ain’t nobody got time for that. Really, I’m getting very understanding in my old age. Tell sixteen year old me all this and you’d just get an eye-roll and possibly a whack across the back of the head. Sixteen year old me wasn’t a very nice person. Well, sixteen year old me was a seething ball of rage, so…yeah.

I’ve always been all about the transparency, so here goes.

I think September disappeared due to health reasons. I don’t even remember much of it. I just remember lots of tired, lots of IDGAF, lots of reading smut because that was all the brain I had. My medications also got switched up around this time and my sleep quality went into the pits along with my ability to breathe.

Then I had a big fight with my brother and started spiraling.

Then my parents started giving me shit about how it’s been months since I got back and why haven’t I gotten visibly better yet. This was stressful and made me feel like I really need to get a proper job or something because hell’s bells, being a near thirty year old and mooching off your parents and getting nothing done is just …ego destroying.

So I signed up for some volunteer stuff. Spent three hours with the Tzu Chi people and somehow ended up bedridden for the last four days with back pain.

So now it’s the end of October and I have no idea where the time went and part of me is whimpering in the corner and part of me is mad but it is what it is.

Another something that I’ve been resisting thinking about or talking about is that the writing really isn’t going well. It’s not just the health or the moving or the massive life change. Every time I try to write something lately, either the characters start talking about going gently into that good night, or they start going off on nihilistic rants on the slightest provocation. Considering that I write romance and love having strong friendships in my books — that’s not promising. In fact, it’s downright disturbing.

I have three separate projects that seemed like they were going well, until the characters pretty much said “fuck it, I’d rather die”.

Not good, no.

You write what you know and even if you don’t want to, it comes out without volition, I guess, and right then what I knew¬†wasn’t awesome or good or shiny.

Did I mention that I broke up with my boyfriend of near eleven years? Yeah. It wasn’t pretty. ¬†Much as I didn’t want that to spill over, it did, and now I’m sort of looking at a huge flood of darkness that I have no idea how to deal with. Then there were some messed up friendships that really went tits up around when I had to move and then finally the big fight with my brother over his “betrayal”. Irony quotes in full force there, but still, it was how I felt and everything I touched, writing-wise, felt like it was contaminated with my cynicism.

One of my writer friends, Domy, suggested that I try something literary, or pure fantasy, or something not …warm and fuzzy while I get over this, but the problem is, I’ve never really read anything except for the warm and fuzzy.

Who cares about the politics and who’s taking over the world and what’s going on except in terms of how it affects people? I don’t.

For me, it’s all about the love. Love between friends, between family, between two people who want to bang each other into the next millennium.

So Goddess is a pretty good project for right now. It’s not super intensive on love, as opposed to my other stuff, and the main character is an old woman who just wants to be left alone and feel better. Sound familiar?

She does get dragged back into life, kicking and screaming, as you do, so there’s that.

TL;DR: Things happened. Like they do. But I’m still going to keep trucking. I’ve got friends who have been super awesome this entire time and they’re slowly dragging me out of the pit. *waves*

Kelly, Kelli, Domy, and Thene: Couldn’t do this without you. Thanks for all the love.

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