Messaging 101 on OKCupid

Really, I should have titled it Messaging 0.1, but hey, I’m feeling nice today. Btw, this is directed mostly at guys because, surprise surprise, being het means I get guy messages, but this applies to women too.

1. Read the damn profile. Seriously. For reals. Just read it. There’s nothing that turns me off faster than realizing that you didn’t take the time to read the profile. Especially the “you should message me if” part. You know, the part that says I’m not open to random hookups or sex. And you know what? This feeds into #2, because if you knew enough not to commit #2, then at least you’d know enough not to send me a one-liner proposition for sex and you might have gotten further even without reading my profile.

2. This cannot be reiterated enough: do not proposition a woman for sex in the very first sentence. Triple no-no points if that’s all you send. Quadruple bad-dog points if you do it in a slimy way that’s also ridden with grammatical errors. Just don’t, okay? We all know that if you had the charisma/wit to get sex with one line, you’d be doing it IRL. Even if it did work and I believed that you’re just that awesome, you wanna think about STDs and how those are totally gross? If I think that your bedposts look like beaver munchies from all the notches on it, I’m going to request a full physical before even thinking about kissing you, much less sex.  I don’t know how guys logic, but if you can’t manage to walk up to a woman in a bar and pick her up with “hey sexy, wanna fuck?” then I don’t know why you think that’s gonna work on the internet. Of course, all bets are off if you’re a billionaire, but then I’m guessing if you are, you’re not on OKCupid.

3. Don’t just say “hi” or “what’s up” or something completely inane like that. It’s boring and it makes you apathetic. Which, hey, if you’re mass-sending “hi”s to everyone you vaguely think is attractive or everyone who you think maybe could be persuaded to bone you/give you a blowjob in the restroom of a restaurant, maybe you are, but there’s no need to let your quarry know. I’m at the point where I’m tempted to just unload my real feelings about the day to anyone who asks that.

Look, we’re on OKCupid. That gives you a bit of an in, a wee bit of leeway, if you will. So charm me. Persuade me that you’re cool, that you care, that going out on a date with you is going to be fun.

For that matter, don’t ask me what I’m doing. If I’m sitting around, able to respond to your messages, I’m unlikely to be doing anything too scintillating. Sad, but true.

4. Desperation is not hot. Repeat to self as necessary. Cockiness isn’t either, not unless you’ve got something to back it up with.

5. If you initiated contact — it’s on you to actually start the conversation. I’m sorry if that seems like a terrible, unjust, horrible thing to have to put on you, but if you messaged me and you’ve given me little to work with, that’s your problem, not mine. I’m not saying make like a dancing bear to attract the female, I’m pointing out that since YOU messaged me, presumably there’s interest on YOUR part, so now you need to rouse interest in ME.

6. Having a complete profile really helps. If you message me and I go to your profile and it’s a whole lotta blank, then guess what? Your need to carry the conversation you just started just got more imperative because I have no earthly clue how to even begin to talk to you. Having a complete profile that is written properly, without typos, is a huge plus, also.

7. Try to seem like a person, okay? I know we’re all huge bundles of awkward and we have no idea how to interact with other live beings to get what we want, but at least try to pass the Turing test. If I can get better convo out of a chat-bot, then we have issues. Also? We’re on the internet. If I use a word you don’t get, Google is your bestie.

8. I get a lot of “let’s just talk, because reading someone’s profile is lame/boring/inefficient”. Yeah, well, honey, I got news for you. I spent time on my profile. I actually put thought and shit into crafting it. So when you tell me you can’t even be arsed to read that — you’re telling me you don’t respect me or my effort or my time. If I don’t feel the love from you, guess how much love I’m gonna return? Yep, that would be zip, nada, zilch.

And dude, if you can’t be bothered to read a profile that’s oh, less than two pages, how much do you think I believe you when you say you’ll actually put effort into getting to know me, in OR out of the bedroom? Life’s too short to date someone who you know probably can’t be bothered to make sure you orgasm if you have sex. That’s all I gotta say.

9. Do not try to move things into meat-space immediately. I’m female. I’m petite. I’m also super aware of all the crazy lunatics out there and I have absolutely no wish to just be a statistic. You might know that you’re not an ax-murderer, but I don’t know that. I have zero desire to go out, spend money/time/energy on a date that might end in fire before getting a sense of how cool/uncool you are. And yeah, that includes calling/texting. I’m not about to give my number out to people willy-nilly. By immediately I mean one convo does not mean we’re friends. Maybe if that convo was an intelligent conversation that spanned hours, but maybe not even then.

10. If you don’t wanna play, don’t initiate, okay? Before I get screams about how this is all a lot of bullshit work, I’m gonna tell you that being in an actual tru-fax relationship is going to be a hella lot more work than this. Everything has a price. Do you or do you want to find someone to be in a relationship with? Get that clear first. If you’re just lonely and that loneliness can be filled up with video games/booze/drugs, then better save yourself and others some time.



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